Womanly

When I was little, my step dad would tell me that the way I got my freckles was from standing behind a screen door and having poop thrown at my face to create a splattered look

Step-Daddy Daughter Dance

I shaved my two front teeth down with a nail file in middle school because one time we were taking family pictures and someone told me not to smile so big

Me in Hawaii XD

In high school I straightened my hair every single day of freshman year because if I didn’t, people would point out how my hair looks ratty and unbrushed

“frosh” as her instagram caption said in (2015)

In college I was told I stick out like a sore thumb on the competition floor because I was the tallest and most pale girl on the cheer team

LBSU Cheer Nationals in Florida 2020

For the last five months I’ve worked at two different bikini stores and although I thought making acai bowls was my true calling, I think I was actually meant to hype up women in a small boutique setting

“Does this shirt make me look crooked?” - A woman that came into my work with scoliosis said

My favorite part about working retail is getting to talk to so many different women everyday

Mothers, business owners, mothers who are business owners

I’ll ask them about their occupations, their kids if they have any, how they met their spouse, or even a question as simple as what else they’re doing that day

And although that’s just me being a sales woman and getting commission off of them, I’m honestly very interested in what they have to say and any advice they choose to relay to me, I’ll take with a grain of salt

Some wise words I’ve gotten are,

“Never be someone’s first 10”

“Don’t wait to travel”

“My thirties are like my twenties but with more money”

This one in particular hit me hard

People have a way of talking about getting older in such a negative manner. It’s common to think that life just gets worse as you grow up

And for the past month when people ask how old I’m turning soon, I say 20, and then the conversation somehow spirals into the other person convincing me it’s a very stagnant age because nothing super big happens, always ending with a not so reassuring “well, you’ve only got one more year!”

So you’re telling me the only thing I have to look forward to is that I actually have to wait ANOTHER whole year just to be legally intoxicated?

Call me crazy but I think I’m more excited to be able to rent a car.

We’ve created a universal dread of each passing birthday after 21

2011

But when this random Huntington Beach customer told me about how fun her thirties are, I couldn’t help but write it down and think “I’m definitely putting that in a blog post,” and she probably didn’t think of it anymore than small talk with the young girl who’s asking you to enter your pin number on the credit card terminal

Lots of people talk about how awful growing older is

But what we don’t talk about enough is all the things that make it so good

Sure, we lose innocence, ignorance, and our youthful looks fade, but that doesn’t mean we have less to celebrate.

For example, I finally have the hips my aunt always told me I would get when I’m older and I love them! My pants have never fit better!

My favorite pair of pants

I know what my style is now and what colors make me feel best, highlighting my favorite parts about me.

I used to wear grungier outfits to parties before I realized I danced a lot more carelessly and was way more outgoing when I was wearing my hippie dippy clothing.

But I can only thank my past self for experimenting with so many different looks, tones, aesthetics to find the one I loved most. So much trial and error to get me where I am today. And I’m not done exploring!

Trial and error phase

Something I’ve admired about most older women that come into my work is how they can shop and know exactly what colors they tend to gravitate towards, what styles fit them best.

They are so in tune with their body that it’s admirable. 

That to me, is womanhood.

But it’s also knowing that sometimes the week before your period is more emotional than the actual week itself.

That your body changes a lot during and after pregnancy and if you don’t fit into your favorite little black dress anymore it’s okay because you literally just brought a living human being into this world

Cut yourself some slack.

And that sometimes you’ll feel prettier with no makeup on at all.

These acknowledgments come with time. And I wish I could tell that to my 15 year old self. 

the 15 year old self in question

Working at these bikini stores has also made me realize that confidence does not run linear.

What I mean by that is not every woman above 40 is confident. There’s no light switch that turns on overnight once you turn a certain age and suddenly you don’t care that your armpit hair seems to grow a lot faster than most girls your age. It’s a long process. No pun intended.

But honor progress over perfection.

If not now, when?

I do think that teenage girls are hit the hardest when it comes to insecurities and outside portrayals of “the perfect body type.” Mainly because of social media and school dress codes, getting in trouble when we even show our.. shoulders? Say that outloud and tell me it doesn’t sound idiotic. 

(Shoutout Mrs. Rodriquez trying to say my tube top was too inappropriate to wear to hand out registration packets)

Thus why I believe the women who are out of their teen years and those constant sexist dress code policies in grade school, have a better grasp of the reality that every single body type is unique, and that the one you’re stationed in is the one you can either choose to betray or accept.

I’ve seen tons of women try on the same exact romper we sell and each of them look completely different in it. They’ll ask me if a certain top is busty and I’ll tell them it depends.

Every single body is different. A “perfect body standard” is the most ridiculous and unachievable idea to hit the market.

Embracing everything that you are is what makes us interesting. I don’t want to live on an Earth with a bunch of boring base models.

This goes to say that some people just aren’t your cup of tea! And that’s perfectly fine.

Some people prefer coffee.

It’s the same idea behind the quotes that go like,

“Flowers are pretty but so are sunsets and they look nothing alike.”

“Every crayon is used for something different. Green cannot color the sky. Blue cannot color the grass.”

There’s room for all of us to be unapologetically beautiful.

The way I think of it is no two people have eaten the same exact foods their entire lives or used the same products or exercised the same so it’s impossible to have one “perfect” standard.

We were created and meant to perform distinctly.

Basketball players, swimmers, mothers, models, the list goes on.

All fall into very different body types, some falling into more than one category, nonetheless, all important roles in society.

You’re not pretty like her. You’re pretty like you. 

Some women will come in and ask for the high waisted bottoms to “hide their stomach” and I quite literally tell them to shut up if that’s their reasoning. 

If their only reason for getting the high waisted bottoms instead of the low rise is to hide a part of their body they are ashamed of, whether it’s scars, stretchmarks, or fat, I tell them the heck with that attitude and then ask them why they are so ashamed.

They usually struggle to find an answer or if they do it usually aligns with a statement focusing on what other people think about your body image or how society thinks we should be covered based on our beauty marks or age.

I tell women if they feel good in the Brazilian bottoms to wear them, I tell them if they want to wear a crop top, do it, I tell them if they feel good in something, then my opinion holds no value. 

Stop worrying about how you look and start focusing on how you feel.

I truly believe that confidence goes hand in hand with just doing and wearing whatever you want. 

And my heart hurts for the people that haven’t accepted this idea yet. 

Senior year of high school, during Mrs. Maehler’s Monday roll questions, she asked us all what our biggest pet peeves were. 

I told the class that I couldn’t stand people who weren’t confident in themselves. 

I remember getting a couple of scuffs because off the bat, that sounds extremely blunt. 

But my top frustration is when people don’t see their own beauty for themselves.

The “ugh, I’m so ugly!” people.

And I know every single one of you just had someone come to mind reading that.

You can only assist them for so long.

They search and search for outside forces to fill that meter for them, but compliments are only temporary. Until you change your outfit, until you wash your makeup off, until your hair is considered bed head. 

To get as close to total confidence as possible, we must love and find the beauty in our own unique entities.

Tell yourself that your freckles are angel kisses.

Post angel attack

That your two giant front teeth complete your contagious smile. 

you’re the only ten I see

That your curly hair is part of your personality and some people pay for texturizing spray to make their hair look like your natural beach waves.

Curly headed cutie you could turn into your wife

And that your super pale skin doubles as a paint palette. 

Regardless of color, tags, acne, your skin is the organ that comes in contact with the rest of the world. This layer of love protects us and helps us feel things like heat, cold, pain, other humans loving touch, thanks to our nerve endings. 

It presents itself in the most vulnerable way. And if others choose to humiliate you for that, that only shows their true colors and not yours. 

Signs of insecurity are easy to spot.

I had a friend that would always ask for my approval of their outfit before going out.

The first couple times they did this, I didn’t mind, it meant they passed my judgement as worthy

But when it happened almost every other day,

“Is this cute to post?” 

“Does this look okay?” 

“Delete that”

I got, kind of, annoyed.

It was so blatantly obvious that this person only cared about what others thought of them and weren’t confident in their daily decision making skills. 

I don’t like surrounding myself with people that aren’t confident in themselves and only ever care about their appearance, they don’t value their self worth and they usually have other prominent tendencies where self-doubt shines through and takes over.

They’ll talk badly about other people instead of talking about ideas and dreams, they won’t stick up for themselves, they’ll focus solely on what they look like and how other people portray them

They project their insecurities everywhere else instead of trying to fix them

Constantly hating on confident people because they are envious 

But the truth is,

Jealousy is a disease that there’s no vaccine for

“I’m not intimidating, you’re just intimidated”

And the one thing you lack is the only thing holding you back

Be aware of your qualities, your faults, and don’t ever be afraid to be the full package because of people like this that will hate you for being good at drawing and being able to easily make conversation with people

People will hate you when you wear a dress to prom showing all of your midriff, simply because they didn’t

2017 Radio Rebel

People will hate you for getting everything you work your ass off for

Election Year

For liking motorcycles and pitvipers

Baby Biker gang

People will hate you for saying it how it is with no sugarcoat

They’ll hate you for your curves, for your height, and for something as small as your eyelashes

It’ll crush your confidence. If you let it.

We must embrace individuality because everyone brings something to the table

I’ll bring spring rolls, my mom will bring sweet potato casserole, Alyssa will bring a charcuterie board, and Kayla will bring Puerto Rican food

I often give kudos to my eighth grade self, presenting Kacey Musgraves “Follow Your Arrow” lyrics in Leadership in front of my whole class

That song basically embodies everything I’m trying to say and my viewpoints have been the same ever since

“If you save yourself for marriage
You're a bore
You don't save yourself for marriage
You're a horrible person
If you won't have a drink
Then you're a prude
But they'll call you a drunk
As soon as you down the first one

If you can't lose the weight
Then you're just fat
But if you lose too much
Then you're on crack

You're damned if you do
And you're damned if you don't
So you might as well just do
Whatever you want”

-Kacey Musgraves

My point being that beauty has little depth anyway, it’s the least interesting thing about us as humans and people are going to hate you for everything you do. And you just have to shrug it off.

I hate that my butt is sometimes the first thing that people point out as if there’s nothing more to me than two lumps of fat behind me that I didn’t ask for.

I am forever grateful for a mother that never ever focused on my looks or prioritized artificial beauty but more of how I treated myself and others 

She never cared how slim I was, or if I was wearing makeup, or even if my hair was brushed

She only ever wished that I was healthy, felt loved, and stood up for myself.

You are beautiful not because of something as temporary as your looks but because of your mind, your thoughts, and your heart

When was it when you realized you were a beautiful person?

Here’s to womanhood, turning 20 and every year that follows

Don’t let people convince you life sucks because theirs does.

20 never FELT so GOUDA