a Rose Blooms in Chaos

Two and a half months ago, I graduated college.

If you’re reading that now it means I’ve finally filled the pit in my stomach that dug deep every time I tried typing that sentence.

I didn’t want to rush this blog post, because, I physically couldn’t.

I could not bring myself to half ass a blog post while simultaneously coming to terms with one of the hardest halts of exertion I’ve ever experienced. So I decided to wait. But only after I tried to type.

I waited until I could open my computer and let my fingers sprint. Where I wasn’t referencing any sort of outline I had previously created. Filling all the blanks in my paragraphs with quotes I found online. Where I didn’t trip over the words I should be saying at this point of my life.

If you recently graduated, or are facing a massive change of pace, there’s nothing you should or shouldn’t do. There are no words you should say just because other people have gone through something similar. There is no step you should be taking next.

“Should is a could that comes with shame.”

You are entitled to every feeling you are facing. Each thought you are navigating will eventually come with clarity. Give yourself time and let everything you are being told about post-grad be taken with the slightest bit of salt. You are entitled to your own life and everything thereafter. Be patient and have the guts to follow what you truly want.

Be eager, but not to finish someone else’s sentence.

I felt inadequate trying to put my thoughts into words. I couldn’t seem to type anything I actually wanted to say. But I knew the words would eventually come, so I gave myself the space to just exist and not be so forceful to create for once in my life.

I waited until I was finally able to sort out my feelings of what the past 16 years of my life in school has looked like and accepting that the next 16 will look nothing like it.

Everything I was attempting to write within the last two months felt very ingenuine. I would sit down at my computer and absolutely nothing came to me other than facts, despite there being a whirlpool of feelings inside me.

Trying to write about the girl I once knew in 2019, who started her first days of college at cheer camp with the spirit team, was like trying to talk to a friend I used to know. I have little in common with her. I have little in common with 17 year old me.

Listing the events of my life was easy. But relating to the poor headspace that girl was in, is uncanny now.

Wow I’ve changed.

I’ve changed.

Graduating college is extremely fulfilling, and exciting, and bittersweet.

But I guess I underestimated all the other emotional realizations that slapped me in the face soon after.

I had been looking forward to writing this blog post for many months. And when the time came, my creative cup of juice was evidently empty and my brain was mush. I was only writing because I felt I had to document this point in my life and not because I really wanted to.

I was jotting down every event and mapping out every timeline of my college experience, trying to figure out how I even made it to the finish line. I was analyzing the old Sarah, the Sarah I don’t really resonate with anymore.

Old events and feelings that undoubtedly got me where I am today, but not any I cared to particularly focus on anymore. “In order to love the person you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.”

Graduation offered me a major milestone to place everything behind me, good and bad. I so desperately wanted to make space for the new. Even though I wasn’t certain what “new” meant. Open to exploration but closed off to reflecting because to be honest, that got exhausting after awhile.

The “new” I would’ve told you about in January involved moving to Italy to become an Aupair. The “new” I would’ve told you about in March was UC Berkeley Master’s in Architecture. The “new” I would’ve told you about in April was move back to San Diego.

It was something different every single month, but from what my dad heard, it was often as every time he changed his underwear.

Regardless of me not being able to decide which “new” I wanted to follow through with. The option to choose, in itself, kept me motivated for the future.

I just had to get through a couple more months.

With all that being said, I’ve finally had the time to sit alongside all of my newfound thoughts at great length. I’ve digested the unfamiliarity of my new reality and I’m able to make sense of it. Exploring the unknown has been freeing. I now have the time to seek out new desires. Ones that I had felt brewing my entire senior year. An excited puppy finally off her leash.

I was already mentally checked out of school in November of 2022. I didn’t have the desire to reflect on all that’s passed. Regardless of the smile you see in these photos, what isn’t seen is the desperate desire to be done and all the thoughts of what’s next. Because after all, that’s all anyone ever cares to ask you during your senior year.

It’s always “What’s next for you?” and never, “How are you?”

I was so incredibly over everything. That is, living in Los Angeles county, GE’s I paid to barely attend, an entire thesis project milking every ounce of creativity I had left in me.

At this point, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. But I knew I had to crawl through mud to get there.

It was so difficult to be present during this time. I woke up everyday and checked to see if I was meeting all my graduation requirements, counting down the days that quickly passed. I spent every waking moment in that damn computer lab disassociating in my 3D Sketchup model.

Relating to any senior outside of my major was impossible. I was jealous they seemed to be taking in their last year of school in a relevantly wholesome way. Attending their last events, spending time with friends they might not see after graduation, celebrating accordingly.

All while I was stuck in a computer lab deep diving into the effects of healthy human connection while simultaneously being so deprived of every bit of it.

Without the support of my studio mates that sat beside me throughout the entire year, I wouldn’t have graduated. We were together at our most fragile hours. Running on 3 yerba mate’s a day, microwaved Trader Joe’s meals, and the same burnt tobacco vape rotation.

The only thing grounding me during these days was our occasional walks around the design building to get some fresh air and snap us out of the digital renderings we had been staring at for days. Some days we even decided to run.

We’d break out in delirious giggles that eventually turned into frustrating tears.

When it’s 4 am and her sketchup model is giving her the inescapable blue loading circle, do not poke the bear.

The past school year feels like a fever dream now. Confused on how my body even held up in the conditions I put it through daily.

I completely lost my appetite for a month following graduation and could no longer fall asleep. I would cry when I could barely stomach my favorite pile of supreme nachos. The circles under my eyes were darker than the night sky I stared at trying to get my brain to shut up.

But those days have past and I’ve been met with so much peace. Peace in knowing I’ll never have to go through that ever again. For a grade at least.

But I still am not close to satisfied.

The 9 to 5, Monday through Friday schedule felt impossible to adjust to.

I was thrown into a completely different world. Attempting to pick myself back up and perform using the degree I just worked my ass off to achieve.

I gave it a shot. Following the path my dad and every other older person around me told me was the next step in life. Corporate America. With 3 different computer screens in my face for 8 hours straight, not taking into account the lunch breaks I spent on my phone.

I tried but was inevitably exhausted at the end of each day. My creative side projects were set on the back burner.

I thought I would have so much time to spend now that I didn’t have homework assignments weighing on me.

As amazing as the company is that I’m currently at and the incredible coworkers surrounding me are, there’s something inside of me itching to flee this country as a whole. Even more after spending a whole year researching Europe and the quality of life it has to offer.

Each day I came home after work, made dinner for myself, and went to bed. I just wanted to rest. But of course there are bills to pay and loans to tend to.

I knew this schedule was not fulfilling me. The puppy had blindly assigned herself a new leash.

The desire to cut it off and run was absorbing me.

When I was contemplating a master’s degree, I talked to many architects in and out of the field.

Most of them warned me that my creativity would be ripped out from under me by following more school.

The idea of moving to a new city excited me tremendously. But the school part and the actual reason for me being in Berkeley was not sticking.

I used to want to attend UCB back in high school. An artsy area filled with young intellect. But I still pressed no when I shockingly found out I was accepted.

I have zero regrets choosing Cal State Long Beach.

Reconsidering Berkeley meant following a dream 17 year old Sarah had. Again, a person I have grown widely apart from.

Realizing this, I decided to make due with my time at work by doing some soul searching.

Was more school really the answer for me? Or was I just continuing to avoid the 9 to 5 by choosing a schedule I am familiar with. The architect student, school schedule.

During this time and still, I listen to many podcasts that inspired me.

What did all these podcasts have in common?

Travel.

Long Beach and LA county no longer bring me even a sliver of inspiration. If I stay here, I’ll get stuck. A fish can only grow to the tank size it lives in.

For the four years I’ve lived here, I loved it. I learned new parts of myself I didn’t know existed and I finally met people I had always wished for.

Lizzy, one of the biggest blessings LB brought me.

But the excitement of newness has faded. The puppy has found a new squirrel to chase.

I signed a contract that my 9 to 5 would end on August 12th. Cutting the leash.

I can confidently say my next step is Paris, France.

Where I’ll be an Aupair for a year and see where the squirrels take me from there.

With trial and error, facetimes and messages over whatsapp, I’ve finally found a family I adore. The love the parents have for eachother is evident over the phone and I can only begin to imagine what it’ll be like in person. With two boys to watch over, I’ll be willingly forced to live presently and inspired by the curiosity of boys ages 3 and 5.