The Scary Reality of Codependence
Codependency is such a scary thing. I’ve watched the people I hold closest to my heart fall into this luring trap of self deprecation. Believing that without that certain person, they would not be able to function.
It’s so easy to tell others that they should love themselves when you have not lived a day in anyone else’s shoes but your own. Well, unless you’re fortunate enough to wear the same size as your mother and in that case, I am envious.
It’s a blind process. But it’s a very apparent one from an outside perspective.
You watch the people you love slowly lose themselves, slipping away from any sense of individuality they once had.
They no longer focus on school or work. Their interests in their favorite hobbies start to fade. They stop taking care of their bodies. Losing their appetite and hours of sleep over the actions of another person.
Balance is so important, however, hard to obtain, especially without self control.
The other person now consumes you. Holding your entire wellbeing and source of happiness in the palm of their hand.
Terrifying right?
It starts out happy-go-lucky.
You typically don’t realize the routine you’re making for yourself until someone else mentions it and even then you want to deny it.
Codependency sneaks up on you. The disguise it wears is hard to identify because it plays into the smallest and most normal parts of our everyday lives.
We live in a society that glorifies relationships. To the extent that a toxic connection is better than none at all.
We become so focused on our relationship with the other person that we forget about building the one we have within ourselves.
The moment you realize that this secondary person has the power to make or break you, is when we need to start to make a change.
Breaking habits is hard. Whether it’s to stop biting your nails or cutting off someone you love… it will always be hard.
But you have to do it for yourself. You have to realize that in the end you are only guaranteed one person and that’s you.
This certainly does not happen over night. Becoming completely content with who you are, where being in a relationship makes you happi(er) and not just happy. A partner is an extra piece to your puzzle, not the missing one.
And if you’re anything like me, you want the very best of everyone. Your family, your friends, your enemies. You want everyone to reach their max potential but if there is someone holding them back, they never will.
Likewise from the words of Tyler the Creator, “I hate wasted potential, that sh*t crushes your spirit.”
This frustrates you. To the point where you put in your “pet peeves” titled note section in your phone, “people giving up on themselves.”
We jump from one relationship to another. With no time to heal in between. Constantly relying on another person to fuel us. To fill the void that we created.
However, I am not above you.
I found myself a victim of this same pattern multiple times before. I was not comfortable enough with myself. Hopping from one boy to the next too fast, never giving myself any processing time.
It happens right in front of our eyes. I saw it happen with my mom, my best friends, and then myself. You know it’s unraveling but never have the strength to pull yourself out of that cycle.
October 2017
We get out of a relationship and for some reason our first instinct is to download another dating app. Why? Validation I assume.
Happiness comes from within and until you realize this, it’s trial and error. Searching for someone else to temporarily give you that extra dopamine filled feeling.
It takes time.
I can’t say that after my Sophomore year relationship that I acknowledged this. Or even after my Junior year relationship.
But it wasn’t until the near ending of my Senior year boyfriend that I finally came to terms with the fact that I barely had a grasp of who I was and who I wanted to become. Pulling the, “It’s not you, it’s me” card. But in this instance, that was exactly it.
I was so unhappy but not because of anything he did.
I had no sense of self direction. I wasn’t creating any art. Took no time for self care days. Was failing Calculus. I was stressed and constantly took it out on him.
Not being confident in myself was the root of all our issues. But if someone ever told me that back then I would’ve gotten defensive. It’s a difficult concept to grasp.
It’s only been one year, however, I feel so much older now. This reflection really matured and humbled me.
I can finally say I am comfortable in my own skin. With no bad ties and constantly working towards a better version of myself.
I now understand that my person will come at the right time. They will not make me who I am but rather better who I am. Until then, I’ve got everything I need, and so do you, and that’s yourself.
October 2020
